小丑的心声

我们都知道，在舞台上的小丑带给观众无限的欢笑以及快乐。
他那不平凡的搞笑天分背负着重大的忧伤。
他那厚厚的浓妆就有如戴上了面具， 所有的情绪都密密的埋在底下。
观众所看不到的，所不能理解的， 也不能亲身体验的。
卸妆之后，他就像你和我，都是普通人，有七情六欲，有喜怒哀乐。
但有别于其他人的是， 在他不快乐的时候，有人会同情吗? 有人会感同身受吗？
我想不会吧，大家都会不由自主地觉得他会很快的好起来，他会很乐观，因为它是小丑。
为了保持它那不凡的形象，他只好认着头皮逼出笑容。
长年累月下， 他终于闷出病来，但他还是强颜欢笑， 为大家带来精彩的表演。
这种精神就是值得我们所敬佩的啊！

tough times - times of blue..

everything seems to be going against me..

made alot of mistakes while in camp.. very emo.. im supposed to be monitoring spec but i cant even monitoring myself.. bullshit.. whole load of shit..

supposed to be promoted to be corporal (cpl) on 24th june and realised i couldnt.. reason being my medical status hasnt been confirmed and i have not been given a perm pes status or a further extension of temp pes for 6 mths. medical centre does not see personnel for pes review due to h1n1. i did a stress ecg n result was sent to mmi in mid may.. no answer since.. i really need the money.. maybe bcos i was not borned with a silver spoon. i worried too much, financially.. im only 21.. omg.. i jus sound so old... i wanna study vet degree, but i couldnt, so what's the point of getting 1st in vet science.. im still nowhere..

i've jus sprained my leg last monday.. excruciating pain.. saw a doctor on thurs.. gave me a 2ml tramadol jab.. put me on paracetamol, paracetamol + codeine, and diclofenac.. nth seems to help.. it's still swollen now.. wanna go A&E but realise i have no one to be with me.. i cannot even walk, that's when i realise even though i have so many friends.. there aint that many i can rely on or confide to when im in time of help..

saw the newspaper article abt Alvin Ng, the channel 8 actor who recently got criticised for his poor acting. the article was smth abt his uncle telling him not to take things too seriously.. i pondered upon this issue for a very long time. he's absolutely right, i cant help but to agree.. how many yrs do we have in our whole life, why do we have to take things so seriously and ended up making ourselves miserable.

i knw all the things that people will tell me when they see me.. but i cant help it but to think negatively.. i do not want to suppress my own feelings. i do not wanna bottle it.

maybe it's EXPECTATIONS. im expecting too much from myself.. then i cannot allow failures or setbacks. it's time to sit down quietly and look back. all the things that have happened, all the friends i have. maybe it's jus me, i do not have the habit of sharing my probs or voicing myself out. i dun wanna look weak and vulnerable. thinking back, so what if i appear strong and optimistic, im still not happy, not contented. im worried abt so MANY things that i need to see a psychiatrist. there are jus certain things i do not wish to reveal here.. u can sae it's CK or what. but im really not.

even at this time, i still tell myself that im fine.. but i guess im not.. but time will heal everything..

Serving the nation

Singaporean males typically have a few stages in their life. the commonly known primary sch, then secondary, ite/tetiary/jc then NS followed by working or further study.
serving the nation has its pros and cons... we shall take a look.....

pros - u go out less often and save a lot more money, either for studies or for future use.. u make more friends. u have no choice.. u have to see them everyday in the office. u may learn more office skills and human relations - esp when dealing with your superiors.

cons - by going out less often, u become less sociable. daily routine is to go to camp, back home, camp and back home. u spend lesser time with ur closer friends. u become less updated about them. everything seems to change so much, but i guess time will dilute all these. it can get quite depressing at times. maybe that's why, so many pple are getting depressed.

being in the NS, getting sick is often seen as wat we called 'chaokeng' or 'CK' for short. pple care less for each other, cos they think you are jus trying to run away from camp by conveniently going to the polyclinic and ask for MC because it's being paid for by the govt. you shld try not to get excused for everything or pple will aim you, cos that means more work for the others.

i nvr felt like this b4...............
am i getting depressed or am i just thinking too much?
it's such an unusual emotional situation for me now..
the distance between you and ur close frens seem further.
stress hormone pouring into the circulation
do not have the time/technique how to relax or slow down the pace.

i seriously hope this is transient and all will disappear soon..
i really do... :)