小丑的心声

我们都知道，在舞台上的小丑带给观众无限的欢笑以及快乐。
他那不平凡的搞笑天分背负着重大的忧伤。
他那厚厚的浓妆就有如戴上了面具， 所有的情绪都密密的埋在底下。
观众所看不到的，所不能理解的， 也不能亲身体验的。
卸妆之后，他就像你和我，都是普通人，有七情六欲，有喜怒哀乐。
但有别于其他人的是， 在他不快乐的时候，有人会同情吗? 有人会感同身受吗？
我想不会吧，大家都会不由自主地觉得他会很快的好起来，他会很乐观，因为它是小丑。
为了保持它那不凡的形象，他只好认着头皮逼出笑容。
长年累月下， 他终于闷出病来，但他还是强颜欢笑， 为大家带来精彩的表演。
这种精神就是值得我们所敬佩的啊！

tough times - times of blue..

everything seems to be going against me..

made alot of mistakes while in camp.. very emo.. im supposed to be monitoring spec but i cant even monitoring myself.. bullshit.. whole load of shit..

supposed to be promoted to be corporal (cpl) on 24th june and realised i couldnt.. reason being my medical status hasnt been confirmed and i have not been given a perm pes status or a further extension of temp pes for 6 mths. medical centre does not see personnel for pes review due to h1n1. i did a stress ecg n result was sent to mmi in mid may.. no answer since.. i really need the money.. maybe bcos i was not borned with a silver spoon. i worried too much, financially.. im only 21.. omg.. i jus sound so old... i wanna study vet degree, but i couldnt, so what's the point of getting 1st in vet science.. im still nowhere..

i've jus sprained my leg last monday.. excruciating pain.. saw a doctor on thurs.. gave me a 2ml tramadol jab.. put me on paracetamol, paracetamol + codeine, and diclofenac.. nth seems to help.. it's still swollen now.. wanna go A&E but realise i have no one to be with me.. i cannot even walk, that's when i realise even though i have so many friends.. there aint that many i can rely on or confide to when im in time of help..

saw the newspaper article abt Alvin Ng, the channel 8 actor who recently got criticised for his poor acting. the article was smth abt his uncle telling him not to take things too seriously.. i pondered upon this issue for a very long time. he's absolutely right, i cant help but to agree.. how many yrs do we have in our whole life, why do we have to take things so seriously and ended up making ourselves miserable.

i knw all the things that people will tell me when they see me.. but i cant help it but to think negatively.. i do not want to suppress my own feelings. i do not wanna bottle it.

maybe it's EXPECTATIONS. im expecting too much from myself.. then i cannot allow failures or setbacks. it's time to sit down quietly and look back. all the things that have happened, all the friends i have. maybe it's jus me, i do not have the habit of sharing my probs or voicing myself out. i dun wanna look weak and vulnerable. thinking back, so what if i appear strong and optimistic, im still not happy, not contented. im worried abt so MANY things that i need to see a psychiatrist. there are jus certain things i do not wish to reveal here.. u can sae it's CK or what. but im really not.

even at this time, i still tell myself that im fine.. but i guess im not.. but time will heal everything..

Serving the nation

Singaporean males typically have a few stages in their life. the commonly known primary sch, then secondary, ite/tetiary/jc then NS followed by working or further study.
serving the nation has its pros and cons... we shall take a look.....

pros - u go out less often and save a lot more money, either for studies or for future use.. u make more friends. u have no choice.. u have to see them everyday in the office. u may learn more office skills and human relations - esp when dealing with your superiors.

cons - by going out less often, u become less sociable. daily routine is to go to camp, back home, camp and back home. u spend lesser time with ur closer friends. u become less updated about them. everything seems to change so much, but i guess time will dilute all these. it can get quite depressing at times. maybe that's why, so many pple are getting depressed.

being in the NS, getting sick is often seen as wat we called 'chaokeng' or 'CK' for short. pple care less for each other, cos they think you are jus trying to run away from camp by conveniently going to the polyclinic and ask for MC because it's being paid for by the govt. you shld try not to get excused for everything or pple will aim you, cos that means more work for the others.

i nvr felt like this b4...............
am i getting depressed or am i just thinking too much?
it's such an unusual emotional situation for me now..
the distance between you and ur close frens seem further.
stress hormone pouring into the circulation
do not have the time/technique how to relax or slow down the pace.

i seriously hope this is transient and all will disappear soon..
i really do... :)

ONLY ONE LEFT ON THE SHELF

hello everybody, im back for some blogging after so long.

im officially doing my national service, about 1/4 there, long way to go.
shall not post too much abt where and what im doing.. those who are close to me enough will knw.

ok, my title sounds suspicious right?
yeah, u're right, only one left on the shelf.. LOL
in JAQLYS, im the only single and available (someone, pls come ride me home~) haha.
okok, they said my expectations is too high, but no chemistry how to be tgt.
anyway, life is average with occasional emotional downturn.
hope depression is not striking me
and i need to LOSE weight.
take care all.

A, B or C???

A- NUS Sch of Life Sciences

B- NTU Double Degree (BSc in Biomedical Science, B.Med, Chinese Medicine)

C- Give up studying and set up smth small..

Meanwhile, I've already accepted NTU's offer, since i couldnt get into NUS medicine. Im not sad, jus take it as what God has prepare for me.. as for whether do i really wanna give up studying, i will use the 2 yrs in NS to ponder abt it.. hmmmm.

2 yrs NS will tentatively start on Oct 24, but im requesting for early enlistment jus in case i wanna further my study, as sch starts in aug 2010. still waiting for call from MINDEF.

5 yrs double degree, by then im 27. feel damn old.
but i think B.Med (Chinese Med) is more applicable to daily life and i can use the knowledge i have to help those pple ard me rather than having a BSc only..

meanwhile, do take care~ :)

FUCK OFF~

IM FUCKING PISSED.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME N NEITHER DO I
IT JUS APPEARS TT I CANT SHARE MUCH OF PERSONAL STUFFS
NABEI~

NO ONE TO SHARE WITH.
CAN ONLY VENT MY ANGER HERE
知我者莫若谁也

IT FELT LIKE MY HEART IS BLEEDING AND I FELT LIKE CRYING.
BUT I CANT
FRENS WHO I THINK ARE NICE ARENT TT NICE ACTUALLY
DISAPPOINTED. DISHEARTENED.
WORDS CANT DESCRIBE HW I FEEL NW. IM ALL ALONE

真是笑死我了

Dr Quek called regarding the nomination letter that i need him to write for the application of NUS Sch of Meds thru discretionary..

sad to say
1. not strong in CCA or community involvement programme
2. has not talents in music or sports, neither am i a national player

LOL. I was stunned. Dr Quek dropped me this question.

Dr Quek: js, i would like to knw from ur point of view, what makes you a good doctor?
Me: i care abt the people ard me and believe in the wellness of them
Dr Quek: i guess most of them would sae that as well. hmmm.. wat makes u stand out among them?
Me: hmmmm.. ehh... i dunno.
Dr Quek: then u better go think abt it. do u have any evidence tt shows u're strong in leadership or CIP
Me: No leh..
Dr Quek: haha. i will try to write the letter to the best of my capabilities

LOL. think it must have been a strenous process to write me a nomination letter bah. but it's a veri brilliant question. i guess the answer i gave, will be most of what the applicants would sae

SO WHAT MAKES ME A GOOD DOCTOR? WHAT MAKES ME STAND OUT AMONG THEM?
can someone help me answer them.. my english is C6 de.. vocab lagi jia lat.. and to a certain extent, i believe pple ard me knws me better than myself.

2ndly, why poly students cant apply thru the traditional way, but discretionary.. for ur info, discretionary only make up to max 10% of tht yr's cohort. why differentiate between JC n poly.. so JC students are more suitable in becoming doctors, while poly students are not? Nonsense!

my aim of doing human meds is cos i cant afford vet science, but i cant possibly tell them that right? they will be laughing their asses off man

was veri worried abt my future (academic wise), went to 莲山双林寺 (temple) to 求签.. got a 上(not too bad lot) 签. it's lot 44. the meaning goes like this
---> even Chiang was appointed a high official by the emperor at the age of 80, so why are you so anxious over ur achievement now. exercise patience and strive hard at the same time. u will sure succeed in the future.
----〉姜太公在八十才被文王丰为高官，你何必又那么着急呢？
Explanation: this lot ask me not to be anxious, jus wait and see first.. in the future sure have a big career de.. there are some details that i cant rmb and cant regurgitate. but it seems like a good lot. and hit right on the nail man. quite accurate.

so ya~ wait and see how lor~ who knws, maybe i cant be a western doctor, but a chinese sinseh~! LOL. but MC invalid de leh, no respect sia.. hmmm.. we shall see how.

n pple~ always rmb!
RESULTS NOT EQUAL TO UR CAREER OR FUTURE, IT'S THE ATTITUDE, MINDSET AND PERSEVERANCE TAT DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE IN THE FUTURE. DREAM IT DO IT. U HAVE A DREAM, U STRIVE FOR IT. DUN SAE AND DUN DO THEN MIGHT AS WELL DUN SAE OR DREAM ANYTHING.

i wish everyone all the best in your future endeavours. TAKE CARE~!

Finally

haha.. has been some time since i last updated my blog. sorri for those who ended up being disappointment due to the lack of update. since im kinda free nowadays, might as well jus blog lor..

im considered unofficially graduated liao.. RESULTS WILL BE OUT ON 13 MARCH (THURS)
LOLx.. good luck to everyone receiveing their results..
so the next concerned issue will be serving the nation.. kinda look forward to which unit i'll be sent to. dog unit? lolx.. hopefully..

i think got a couple of months b4 i got enlisted, everyone ard me like got a job liao(wah liew, sibei stress leh~!) and im still slacking.. but i'll have tonnes of time to work in the future, so why rush and gan chiong for these few months. or am i finding excuses? lolx..

since im finishing my tertiary education liao, it's time to think abt the next stepping stone to my future life. i've thought abt a few

1. vet science - abit impossible liao la, too expensive sia, i where got so rich. unless someone sponsors me for free la..

2. NUS sch of med - as mentioned earlier, 2 poly students got accepted. im nt exceptionally excellent in my academic wise, but i'll just gonna try my luck. u nvr knw what will happen

3. NTU Double degree (BSc, BTCM) - im quite fascinated by how tcm works actually, but thinking abt the 2 yrs in beijing turns me off a little.. so what to do.. im left with not much choices..

others - nus sch of life sciences, pharmacy. n NTU- biological sciences and biological chemistry and chemistry (just putting for the sake of putting, make my $10 application more worthwhile la)

soooooo.. recently had our official last caregrp chalet b4 graduation, not mani pple turned up, kinda disappointed, but it's still alright la.. the closer ones are these few liao lor.. mahjong, games, water bombs, cycling are how we spent our time there. i even whipped up a few dishes, but not to my satisfaction. maybe portion too big, so cant ensure quality control. LOL

hope to stay in contact with all my poly frens although sometimes it's tough, each has their own busy lives liao. hereby, i wish everyone the best and do take care. do ask me out for gathering worx~!